If you don’t know that I’ve moved to NYC from Chicago then it’s probably because I didn’t want you to know. Most likely you were a real asshole in the past. Now that you know you should work on being less of an asshole all the time.
If you don’t know what a napspot is then you’re going to have trouble understanding my blog posts. I will do my best to give a little insight into the experience of living in Bedstuy, Brooklyn. If you don’t know where Bedstuy or Brooklyn are then you will have trouble understanding what I just wrote.
Here are some plans of mine and personal friend’s that will happen one day:
Location: Random bar that caters to college co-eds
I’m with my friend Ben Seeder and we’re chatting up some girls at the bar. We’re both dressed like complete Frat assholes. There’s shitty loud techno music playing and we’re basically yelling over the music to talk to the girls. Doing that thing where we’re kind of getting close to them/talking to them at the same time. We’ve had a fair amount to drink before inviting them back to our place for more drinks. These girls don’t have a clue what to expect. As far as they know they were just coming over for a beer and some Ted Nugent from the ipod.
It’s about a ten minute walk from the bar to our apartment. On the way there there’s two girls in their 20′s talking on their front porch. As we approach we overhear one of them saying, “And that’s when I found out he’d been cheating on me the whole time! He ended up getting her pregnant and left me to have the baby with her. And he talked me into getting an abortion when I got pregnant!” This is when we appear out of nowhere and I interrupt saying, “Hey, are you guys having a good time?” They both just sit there with their mouths wide open and don’t say a fucking word. The 4 of us stood there in silence waiting for an answer for a good 30 seconds before continuing on our walk home. With any luck the poor girl was probably scarred for life.
We get to our front door and say something like, “just give us a minute to clean up.” As soon as we enter the apartment we put on full spaceman/alien costumes and the only lights in the apartment are large blacklights. Everything is blacklight sensitive and the whole place looks like an alien spaceship. There are blinking lights, switches, large monitors, etc. The place looks exactly like a fucking spaceship ok? The entire time there is a bright purple light shining down on each of us and follows us anywhere we move in the apartment. We each have our mouths wide open as if we have to make a serious effort to close them with our hands.
We give the girls cocktails in futuristic space age glasses and sit down. There is no mention of the decor or costumes the entire time. “So, you said you go to Loyola?” ”Are you studying psychology as well?”
The only thing that resembles any kind of normal human living space is a vintage theater popcorn machine in the corner. The entire time we have playing on repeat, “Pass the popcorn,” from The Roots album Organix. We offer the girls popcorn and as soon as they make any kind of dent in the authentic popcorn bags we refill them. If either of the girls asks about our spaceship theme they are ignored and the topic is changed.