Sunday / February 15 / 2009

Never trust a mummy with your 9 month old daughter




Let’s get this straight for once. If you find a tomb in the back of a cave that happens to be filled with mummies, get the fuck out of there!! For real….that shit is bad news. I used to know this guy and he told me never to let this shit happen right before he died. Like….he was dead before he said that but I could sense it, you know? So anyway, this is some straight up Egyptian Mrs. Doubtfire shit. For real! I was straight up returning phone calls from responses I got from the want ad I put in the reader about needing a nanny. Anyway…I was all about gettin my George Coleman Petting Zoo Co-Managed by Mummy Nanny, right? Dude shows up at the Starbucks in the West Loop wearin a purple tye dyed Caribou Coffee tshirt. I honestly grabbed as many Frappacino bottles as I could and cracked em over ol’ boy’s head as hard as I could! After about 8 or 9 of em he finally chilled out. We puffed a little and played some hackysack and decided to call it a night. It was then I knew that I was no better than Alyssa Milano and decided to go to sleep. 

That’s when I woke up and took a cab to Braazazz steakhouse downtown…..I seriously ate so much goddamn meats I straight passed out with my feet up in the air and my head stuck in the goddamn chair! I brought my swordcane with me cuz they be servin all them meats on swords n shit! I asked my boys if they could deep fry all my shit and they said, "that’s not our job sir." So I said, "fuck this," I’m gettin my ass a deep fryer and headin to my home house spot!!! So I called up my boy Mooly Mool and he gave me a ride to Branko’s on Fullerton Ave. I ordered a big ass basket of fries and pulled out half a bottle of  bacardi and doused that shit like I was buildin a campfire! I dropped a whole book of matches on them shits and gave it about 10 seconds before I stomped the shit out of it and just poured Trappey’s hot sauce all over it!! I ate that shit with a knife and fork cuz it was all clam baked like a mothafuckin porterhouse steak n shit! I was sittin there with my lil red lobster bib on pretendin I was at Outback Steakhouse!! That’s when Uncle Termy rolled up in his 97 Taurus and dropped me off at the Rec Center for my shift. 

After I got off work I was ready for the 2009 Brunswick-Twangy-Twang-Harvard-Newsport Air Hockey Tournament. You better believe I blew them fools out the water! Not only did I win that $50 Gift Certificate to TJ Maxx but some girl was all about goin bowling at 6am! Too bad there wasn’t anywhere to bowl! Turns out this girl had her own bowling lanes in her house! Just like Richard Fuckin Nixon. She had a chartered bus with a driver named "Jo Jo K", he was cool though…shitty DJ…but he was cool. We had a 16 hour drive ahead of us and I was glad because I had about 12 DVD’s full of home videos from my family trip to Cambodia to watch on the way!  We settled in on the top level of some bunkbeds she had setup in the back while I hit "play" on my portable DVD player. Jo Jo K jus started laughin while givin me the thumbs up through the rear view mirror.